Posts for October 2003 (15 entries)

Down from the hills

28th October 2003, lunch time | Comments (2)

They sat there, the three of them, on the veranda of the pub and watched the traffic move past: a thin black man on a whining moped, revving furiously; a young couple in a new Renault and in mid-argument, hands and arms in flutter-flight; a huge lorry, barely able to make the turn; that damned idiot on the moped again…

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Home doctor

26th October 2003, lunch time | Comments (2)

He has a sore back. She rubs some liniment into it.

He says, I can’t smell anything, are you sure it’s the right stuff? She checks. It’s not…

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Various different

26th October 2003, lunch time | Comments (1)

One of my mother’s pet peeves has long been the phrase “various different”. It seems like needless repetition of the concept.

But as it turns out, “various different” is perfectly acceptable:

Various different is not redundant; it means “a variety of different things,” and it is Standard. (Various things and different things are not quite the same, either.) But be aware that some commentators still object, even if unreasonably, to various different anythings.

Dishwasher un-safe

21st October 2003, lunch time | Comments (2)

The winds of change and controversy are blowing around the world right now: Northern Ireland may be restoring devolution preparatory to holding new elections; North Korea are stepping up their nuclear programs; and Zimbabwe’s state-controlled oil company has run out of fuel, plunging national infrastructure and emergency services into crisis.

But I tell you this: these events are but gentle breezes compared to the hurricane that rages in the Orchard household:

Unbelievably, my mother is challenging my father’s System For Loading The Dishwasher…

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A totally different world of hair

18th October 2003, lunch time | Comments (9)

The delightful Sabrina answered a question of mine:

Can white people grow afros? Can I grow one? Is it just big hair, or does it do something special, like go frizzy?

No, they can’t. No, you can’t. It’s special hair that requires special haircare products and stylists. It’s a totally different world of hair, as white people who adopt black children find out when they manage to break — yes, break — their children’s hair. They go to an afro salon after that.

The subject reminded me of my first few weeks living in Brixton, in south west London…

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A higher frequency of excitement please

17th October 2003, lunch time | Comments (10)

Starting this blog has highlighted something for me: I don’t do anything interesting on a day-to-day basis…

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12th October 2003, lunch time | Comments (2)

A dandy holding a fish. The caption reads: Halibut, the sure way to a girl's heart

Pixar vs Claymation

11th October 2003, lunch time | Comments (0)

In 1993, after much prodding from the family, my Grandma and Grandad broke their number one life rule (If naked people aren’t involved, it’s not worth watching) and went to see Jurassic Park at Yeovil cinema.

We’d seen it the week before and had raved about it. My friends had seen it and thought it was incredible.

So, bearing this in mind, and hoping against hope for a hereforto unmentioned sub-plot involving gratuitous nudity, my Grandparents settled into the back row to watch the film…

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The perils awaiting a homemade pizza

9th October 2003, lunch time | Comments (3)

Next time you find yourself making a pizza and the phone rings, make sure that the following doesn’t happen…

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A trip from home

7th October 2003, lunch time | Comments (0)

Yesterday I left the house, drove into Yeovil, and saw a doctor.

I think (and I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure I’m not) that it was the first time in a little over two weeks that I’ve left the house and not gone to play tennis…

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Woof woof

6th October 2003, lunch time | Comments (2)

Woman looking lovingly at man, who's looking lovingly at an alsation dog
Michelle loved Graham, but always felt his heart belonged to another

The obvious question here is of course: “Why on earth was this photo taken in the first place?”

Who was the client? What kind of brief did they give?

OK, so we want to show a beautiful, tender moment between a couple. Let’s say they’re engaged. She’s your typical American girl; heiress to the Chumley Chum Dog Food fortune, socialite, and renowned tennis player.

He likes sleeping with Alsatians.

Go to work guys.


Frickin’ mouth ulcers

6th October 2003, lunch time | Comments (21)

Upset girl and her stuffed toys

I’m pretty hacked off — I’ve got mouth ulcers.

Yes, I know we all get mouth ulcers, I expect you’ve had them, but I get mouth ulcers.

Sometimes I can’t talk for a couple of days, sometimes I can’t clean my teeth without spitting blood for 5 minutes. My mouth hurts all the time, I can’t eat certain foods and I look like I’ve been given a fat lip.

I’ve currently got eight of the damn things. They can be up to the size of my little-finger nail and last for 2 months at a time.

Do you get all that?


Well don’t go wasting one of your Genie-in-a-lamp wishes on it, it’s a lousy thing to have. Sure, it’s not life-threatening, but it’s enough to make a person feel pretty miserable.

So, that’s why I’m hacked off.

Bloody things.


Multi-functional, all-in-one everything

4th October 2003, lunch time | Comments (2)

There are too many things in my life.

Not people and jobs and decisions, but actual things — books, diaries, shoes, clothes, newspapers, pens, computer stuff.

It’s everywhere.

I started off working in this room with only a laptop, nothing else. Now I have…

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Celebrity, rugby, Spain and Russia

4th October 2003, lunch time | Comments (0)

A few thoughts for the day:

  1. Why, when celebrities are rushed to hospital for drug overdoses, aren’t they arrested for possessing and using illegal substances? Isn’t there a law against that? Courtney Love just spent the night a la hopital and I bet the police don’t do anything about it. Seems odd to me.
  2. Only six days until the Rugby World Cup kicks off. 48 matches. Ha ha! And it looks like I’ll get to see almost all of them on regular TV.
  3. Isn't the World an odd place? News from the Daily Telegraph

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The maze

3rd October 2003, lunch time | Comments (2)

What do you know about mazes?

My knowledge is fairly limited: there’s the story of the maze, the Minotaur and that chap (Theseus) with the string; and there’s a famous maze in England called the Hampton Court Maze. I’m not sure if I’ve been there myself, but by all accounts it’s a tricky one.

And that’s about it.

Well, to this less than impressive knowledge base I can now add another entry: The Route From Our Front Door To The Computer Room And Back.

It’s a killer.

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