2nd May 2004, the wee hours | Comments (51)
So, what’s it like, moving to new city, to a new country? Being single. Being, frankly, awful at getting a girlfriend. But being fabulous at being a girl’s best friend?
What’s it like?
Well, I’ll tell you.
You get here. You’re fairly sure you have a few things working in your favour: one, your accent — you’re not just another American, you’re That Guy From England; two, you’re in good shape — you’ve been putting in some decent boxing training recently, and you’re feeling pretty sharp; three, you’re You, man. You’re not so bad, you know? You’re pretty funny when you want to be, and Funny, like Personality, goes a long way.
Thursday night, you go out. You meet a girl. She’s pretty, you see that straight off. You wander over and talk to her. She’s intelligent. You crack a joke, she laughs. She’s got a sense of humour. She touches your arm. Crumbs. If you recall correctly, touching is a pretty good sign. You press on.
You offer her a drink, she accepts, you go get one. You catch her eye as you walk back from the bar, and you smile at each other as you weave your way through the crowd. Your heart goes pitter patter. Godamn, when was the last time a girl showed that she liked you? A year ago? Jeez…
You talk on and off for the next hour, and she touches you four times. The fact that you realise this, and remember it two days later is a pathetic sign. You’re doomed.
You smile, she smiles, everyone smiles.
Is it really a year? It seems longer than that. What the hell happens now? What if she wants to kiss you? Do girls want to kiss guys? Or do they just sort of give in and accept their fate once a boy leans in and closes his eyes. Close your eyes, remember that. You kissed a girl once when you where young and in the middle of it she opened her eyes and caught you looking at her in wonder. You felt wierd. Close your eyes, man.
Holy crap, what happens if you sleep with her sometime? Condoms. When did you last buy condoms? Over two years ago? Help! Of course, you’re not going to sleep with her; you’re at a crafts fair for heavens sake. People don’t hook up at craft fairs and make out behind the corduroy handbags and embroidered velvet cushions stall. But, she did touch your arm, and, you know, stare at you in that "hey, I’m looking at you, Mister" kind of way. And she’s not even drunk.
This makes you feel good.
The night ends. You help her pack up her stall. You exchange a few more looks, the question of phone numbers is raised and neatly delt with, you walk her to her car and kiss her goodnight. You have plans that evening but by jingo you wish you could scrap them and just hang out with her. But you don’t. You go with your new friends as arranged. You have fun. You feel fabulous. A girl likes you. You like the girl. Hot damn.
That night, you get home late. You want to call her. You don’t.
Friday morning, you wake up. You want to call her. You don’t. Instead you skip to the gym, pound the shit out of the middle-weight bag and the speed-ball, and skip home again.
Saturday morning, you try to call her. No answer. Lunch time, no answer. Afternoon, no answer. Early evening, you call again. You sing a little song while you dial to make sure your throat isn’t dry. You sit on the wooden steps in the fading sun and ahem
one last time. She answers. The air in your lungs goes on holiday. You breathe in some new stock, and say hello.
The conversation doesn’t go as planned. She doesn’t sound so enthusiastic. Is it your immagination? She’s busy tonight, but so are you. Tommorow she’s also busy, but she hopes she’ll be done by the early evening. You can meet up then if all is well.
You put the phone down. Your hands shake a wee bit, you’re slightly short of breath. You mentally curse women for their evil powers over your respiratory system. Then you decide that isn’t enough, and you openly curse them.
You break out your two new guru-films: The Tao Of Steve, and Swingers. You watch that scene from Swingers and feel slightly more in control:
- Trent
What’s wrong? I saw you talking to that beautiful blonde baby.- Sue
She was cute.- Mike
She didn’t like me…I made a fool of myself…- Trent
Baby, don’t talk that way, baby…- Sue
You are so money, and you don’t even know it…- Trent
That’s what I keep trying to tell him.- (To mike)
You’re so money, you don’t even know…- Mike
Please, don’t mess with me right now…- Trent
We’re not messing with you…- Sue
…We’re not…- Trent
You’re like this big bear with claws and fangs…- Sue
…And big fuckin’ teeth…- Trent
…And teeth…And she’s like this little bunny cowering in the corner…- Sue
…Shivering…- Trent
…And you’re just looking at your claws likehow do I kill this bunny?…- Sue
…You’re just poking at it…- Trent
…Yeah. You’re just gently batting it around…And the rabbit’s all scared…- Sue
…And you got big claws and fangs…- Trent
…And fangs…And you’re likeI don’t know what to do. How do I kill this bunny?…- Sue
…You’re like a big bear.- Mike
You’re not just, like, fucking with me?- Trent
No, baby!- Sue
…Honestly…- Trent
…You’re money…- Sue
…You’re so fuckin money.- Trent
Now go over there and get those digits.- Sue
You’re money.- Trent
- (Pulling him aside, dead serious)
Now when you talk to her, I don’t want you to be the guy in the pg-13 movie that everyone’s pulling for. I want you to be the guy in the rated R movie who you’re not sure if you like.- Mike
- Nods and, energized by the bombardment, crosses back to the bar and right into the fray.
You feel a bit better. You laugh a bit. You think, I’m money, baby.
Then you feel a prick for thinking that. Then you worry again. Why wasn’t she as enthusiastic? Did she have a bad day? Does she regret giving you her number? Did you imagine it? You go play the theme tune to Shaft and pretend you’re cool. You feel marginally better. Marginally. You look at the clock, only 23 hours and 34 minutes to go before you call her again. The fact that you’ve calculated this means that you’re doomed. Doomed, doomed, doomed.
Shit.
- Mike
How long do I wait to call?- Trent
A day.- Mike
Tomorrow?- Trent
No…- Sue
…Tomorrow, then a day.- Trent
…Yeah.- Mike
So, two days?- Trent
Yeah. I guess you could call it that.- Sue
Definitely. Two days. That’s the industry standard…- Trent
- (To Sue. Shop talk)
…I used to wait two days. Now everyone waits two days. Three days is kinda money now, don’t you think?- Sue
…Yeah. But two’s enough not to look anxious…- Trent
Yeah, but three days is kinda the money…- Mike
- (Interrupting sarcastically)
Why don’t I just wait three weeks and tell her I was cleaning out my wallet and found her number…- Charles
…Then ask where you met her…- Mike
Yeah, I’ll tell her I don’t remember and then I’ll ask what she looks like.- (Pause)
Then I’ll ask if we fucked. How’s that, T.? Is that “the money”?- The guys
- Laugh.
- Trent
Laugh all you want, but if you call to soon you can scare off a nice baby who’s ready to party.- Sue
Don’t listen to him. You call whenever it feels right to you.- Mike
How long are you guys gonna wait to call your honeys?- Trent & sue
Six days.
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