Post #308

Putting your underwear on backwards: the Results

18th March 2004, early evening | Comments (30)

For an introduction into the exciting world of Underpants Scientific Research, please read this post: ‘Putting your underwear on backwards’.

Well well, the big day is here, and I’m sure you’re all pretty excited about what I have to say, so I shall get down to the results as quickly as possible.

I must say that as a scientist, it pains me to leave out an in-depth description of my methodology, but time is precious and already I can hear you screaming For God’s sake, the Results, man!! The Results!!, so without further ado… behold the wonder of scientific discovery…

Pair of pants 1: Helly Hansen walking briefs (with wind-proof gusset)

Drawing of some pants
Helly Hansen walking briefs (with wind-proof gusset)

These pants proved to be very uncomfortable. Being briefs their skimpy cut left me feeling strangely breezy round the back. What little was covered up ‘back there’ was subject to unwanted chaffing and compression.

The front looked very odd but was far from incommodious.

Conclusion: I certainly noticed these pants were on back-to-front. The lack of posterior space gave it away.

Pair of pants 2: Jockey travel briefs (with lycra)

Drawing of some pants
Jockey travel briefs (with lycra)

The lycra in these pants made them much more adaptable and provided greater comfort than the Helly Hansen briefs.

I could tell they were on back-to-front (that strange feeling at the rear again), but the discomfort wasn’t too bad.

Conclusion: Better than the Helly Hansens — but not fooling anyone.

Pair of pants 3: Marks & Spencers finest

Drawing of some pants
Marks & Spencers finest

Here was the real test, it was these pants that had fooled me on Tuesday, so would I be able to spot them this time around? The answer was Yes, but not that easily.

Conclusion: Spotted, but required some thought.

Pair of pants 4: Jockey (style unknown)

Drawing of some pants
Jockey (style unknown)

These are halfway between briefs and those tight Mark & Spencers pants, so I didn’t have great hopes for them fooling me. And I was right — very disagreeable, instantly noticeable.

Conclusion: Spotted.

Overall conclusion

The Marks & Spencers pants are certainly the most adaptable of the four pairs, and had my mishap occurred with any of the other models of underwear I’d have spotted the problem straight away. It was just bad luck that on that day I happened to pull on a well built, quality set of underwear from one of our nation’s greatest clothing stores.

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Comments (30)

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  1. Karen:

    Well done, Dunstan. You've clinched the Nobel Peace Prize for sure. After all, people tend to be at their most bellicose when their nether regions are oppressed.

    Posted 48 minutes after the fact
  2. Garoo:

    You know, that first drawing, the one that's on the home page? It's... It looks like... I swear, when I saw it on the home page, I thought it was a photograph of very dirty briefs.

    Posted 1 hour, 3 minutes after the fact
    Inspired: ↓ Dunstan
  3. Andy Baio:

    Or there's always the easy way: look for the tag in the inside-back of the shorts.

    Posted 1 hour, 47 minutes after the fact
  4. Sian:

    I was suprised that you felt comfortable with the extra gusseting on the M & S Hipsters, they looked more like Pampers than a pair of briefs.

    The Mad one and I carried out our own scientific experiment last night and came to the conclusion that:

    The Hipsters were the most impressive due to the extra padding at the front:
    (if you arn't packing a big one these would surely help)

    The Paisley Briefts would make us run a mile:
    (criminal, just criminal)

    And the Authentic Thongs made us giggle:

    All in the pursuit of the truth and science you understand.

    Posted 1 hour, 54 minutes after the fact
    Inspired: ↓ Dunstan, ↓ Dunstan
  5. Teller:

    So you have 4 pair of underpants... *Taking notes* When can we expect a publication in renowed science magazines?

    Posted 1 hour, 59 minutes after the fact
    Inspired: ↓ Dunstan
  6. Dunstan:

    I'm not sure, Teller.
    I've written to Science, The New Scientist, Scientific American, The Lancet, and Nature, but so far, no respones...

    ...maybe my email's broken?

    Posted 2 hours, 7 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Teller
  7. Dunstan:

    That's the wind-proof front!

    Posted 2 hours, 8 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Garoo
  8. Markku:

    Very scientific. The results are very conclusive, and any "world-renowned expert" would surely get the same results! :)

    Posted 2 hours, 11 minutes after the fact
  9. Dunstan:

    There's not a lot of gusseting there, Sian, and it all lies flat.
    Maybe mine aren't exactly that model, they look a bit more see-thru than mine...

    Posted 2 hours, 17 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Sian
  10. Danny:

    Are you going to try ladies underwear now and give us the results on the most comfortable ?

    Posted 2 hours, 23 minutes after the fact
    Inspired: ↓ Dunstan
  11. Sarah:

    Pair of pants no. 3, with the "dress to either side, sir" easy access openings for ease and swiftness of ablutions are the most practical, as well as the most reversible. Do tell, do they keep your hands warm when aforementioned openings are not required for other, more usual, means?

    #blinks innocently#

    Posted 2 hours, 31 minutes after the fact
    Inspired: ↓ Dunstan
  12. Dunstan:

    I think I'll pass on that, Danny :op

    Posted 2 hours, 37 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Danny
  13. Dunstan:

    Well observed, Sarah, that's exactly what they're for.

    A well observed tradition in rugby is to warm your hands by putting them down the front of your pants, a fleece lined pair of these would be perfect for that sort of thing.

    Posted 2 hours, 40 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Sarah
  14. Dunstan:

    I really can't believe there's a market for M&S thongs in the UK. (S&M thongs, maybe, but that's another matter.)

    How often is someone browsing through M&S in their beige raincoat, thinking, "Ooh, yes, Geoff would look lovely in a paisley thong."

    I don't see it myself.

    Posted 2 hours, 44 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Sian
    Inspired: ↓ Sarah, ↓ [m], ↓ Sian
  15. Danny:

    spoil sport :P

    Posted 3 hours, 11 minutes after the fact
  16. Sarah:

    #hastily puts beige mac at the back of the wardrobe, checking over shoulder#

    Posted 3 hours, 14 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Dunstan
    Inspired: ↓ Dunstan
  17. Dunstan:

    *warms hands up*

    Posted 3 hours, 21 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Sarah
  18. [m]:

    It's all in the imagination Dunstan. When you discover that your parents actually HAD INTERCOURSE. TOGETHER! Your imagination will not be quite the same any more...

    But that's my experience, however. Gives a *whole* new meaning to that black n' metal little cloth-thingy that seems waay to small to put on your hands, let alone ... Well, let's not think about that. ;)[1]

    I'm curious, did you choose a few underpants[2] with dissimilar layout (let's not forget that this is somewhat of a webdesign blog!), or is it that you actually only own 4 underpants?

    PS Why, oh why you don't have a handful of children run around the misses amazes me still...

    [1] This is totally made up. I have no life whatsoever.[3]
    [2] Bonjour Monsieur!
    [3] Also, not true. I do have a life, but I don't do anything with it.

    Posted 4 hours, 57 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Dunstan
    Inspired: ↓ Dunstan
  19. Ian McFarlan:

    Love it - a true scientist at work.

    Posted 5 hours, 52 minutes after the fact
  20. Manuzhai:

    Just one word: wow.

    Posted 6 hours, 22 minutes after the fact
  21. Dunstan:

    [M], I have many pairs of underpants, but they all fall into one of those four categories.

    Rough count:

    [1] Helly Hansen walking briefs: 2 pairs
    [2] Jockey travel briefs: 2 pairs
    [3] Marks & Spencers finest: 10 pairs
    [4] Jockey: 10 pairs

    BTW, that 'Bonjour Monsieur!' link you posted is bizare! I'm sending it to all my french friends :op

    Posted 7 hours, 38 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ [m]
  22. Enough:

    I think this post qualifies as performance art. I love the drawings!

    Posted 11 hours, 43 minutes after the fact
    Inspired: ↓ Justin
  23. Marq:

    If anything, you deserve a grant for this. Scientific research doesn't have enough underwear, in my opinion.

    Posted 17 hours, 19 minutes after the fact
  24. Justin:

    I have to agree. The drawings really do add another dimension. Very excellent

    Posted 23 hours, 36 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Enough
  25. Jon Hicks:

    But wait! If this is a true scientific experiment, where is the control?! Where are the pants that were on THE RIGHT WAY? Eh?

    The producer of the Royal Institution Christmas Lectures will be on the blower...

    Posted 1 day, 2 hours after the fact
  26. Stacy:

    You are odd.

    Posted 1 day, 10 hours after the fact
  27. Sian:

    I'm afraid the days of walking around M & S in a beige raincoat are over, underwear stalkers are now using the Internet which allows them to oogle underwear in groups, real time. Such a wonderful thing the Internet. *sigh*

    Posted 1 day, 19 hours after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Dunstan
  28. Andy:

    Dunstan, do you have an equity card?

    Ever been in a certain british beer commerical?

    7th Advert down (your not supposed to link direct to the advert apparently!)

    Posted 3 days, 19 hours after the fact
  29. Dunstan:

    Ah ha! It seems I'm not alone:

    Posted 3 days, 20 hours after the fact
  30. Mikie:

    Well, what I was looking for was a link to 'is it good or bad luck'
    Then I guess it matters only if you needed the 'fly' in an emergency and couldn't find one.

    Personally, today, I have on my M&S on rearforwards and since they have made many trips in and out of the washer/dryer cycle, they have become very comfortable either way. Glad to see science prevails, and level heads take on the issues instead of the usual rumors and gossip so common today on the internet.

    Thanks for this time out.

    Posted 1 month, 2 weeks after the fact

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