Post #369
Sour crop
16th April 2004, mid-afternoon | Comments (22)
Preface: The average man, when confronted by a chap demanding that he Pretend to be a chicken,
might be forgiven for laughing like an asthmatic mule, and backing nervously away. For, along with trying to swat imaginary flies, making such requests is one of the eight sure-fire ways of being marked down as a looney. And on the whole people aren’t too keen to engage with loonies.
That said, not everyone begging you to “be the chicken” should be immediately flagged as mad. Instructors in the dramatic arts; remarkably empathic vets; sexual deviants: these are people who might legitimately spout forth such nonsense — but you certainly don’t expect to hear it from your next door neighbour, your co-worker, or the lady who serves you coffee each morning. No, sir. Not them. If “Shauna” tries offering up method acting advice along with your Vanilla Latte she’ll soon find herself out of a job — Starbucks just doesn’t stand for that kind of behaviour, and neither should you.
However, in a short while you are going to read a sentence asking that very thing of you, that you “pretend to be a chicken.” I do not want you to flee. I do not want you to scoff. I do not want you to think any worse of me. I simply want you to pretend. Just pretend…
A speckley chicken
Let’s pretend for a moment, that you are a chicken. The colour or type isn’t important, but to aid your imagination let’s say it’s grey and white, a speckley one. I’ve even drawn it for you, over there →
So, you’re a chicken, and your owner has kept you locked in the run for the last few months because there’s been a fox sniffing around, but today she opens the gates, and shoos you out.
The sun is blazing, the skies are blue, the grass is beautifully green. There are things to cluck at, things to stand on, and things to rake around with your foot. It’s a hell of a day to be a chicken…
You realise you’re feeling peckish, so you wander over to the orchard where you find shade, lush grass, and a remarkable quantity of fallen apples. With a happy sigh you settle down next to your insalata verde, and tuck in.
An hour or two passes. You’ve grown a little warm in the mid-day sun and are thinking of taking a break, when suddenly you burp. Then your tummy rumbles. You squawk. You burp again. You find it hard to swallow. Then you fall over.
What on earth is the matter with you? What can be happening?
I’ll tell you what; you’ve got Sour Crop.
Sour Crop: the hard facts
The Chook Doctor explains:
[Sour Crop] is a common problem with hens, especially if they are allowed to graze on grass when they are first released. These birds are not used to eating such natural foods, so they tend not to know how to do it properly. Long strands of grass in the crops of such birds often are unable to pass through the digestive system, [so they] bind in the crop and ferment.
A quick method of telling whether a chicken has Sour Crop or not is to gently squeeze it and sniff the air that’s expelled from its mouth. If the bird has Sour Crop then the air will smell awful, if not… well, I don’t suppose a chicken smells very nice anyway, but apparently la différence d’odeur is marked. (Of course, sniffing chickens is also one of the eight sure-fire ways of being marked down as a looney, but we’ll put that aside for the moment.)
Fear not, help is at hand
Luckily for you my mother has a cure for Sour Crop. First she grabs you (this isn’t hard because you’re just lying there burping), then she sticks a tube down your throat, and pours a mixture of yogurt and olive oil into you.
That done, she takes hold of your feet, hangs you upside down, and massages your stomach and crop until lots of green and white muck comes pouring out of you.
Finally she flips you the right way up, pats you on the head, and puts you down. You ruffle your feathers, squawk a bit, ruffle your feathers some more, and then walk off in as dignified a manner as you can muster.
It’s a tough life, being a chicken.
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Blogmarks
A collection of miscellaneous links that don't merit a main blog posting, but which are interesting none-the-less.
Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
— George W Bush (9)- What WordPress is doing to combat comment spam. (1)
- Mobile web tools, from Pukupi. (1)
- Pukupi’s top 10 hints for building interoperable mobile Web sites. (3)
- The photography of E.J. Peiker. (4)
Stuff from the intersection of design, culture and technology.
(3)- Some handy tips for advanced Google use. (35)
- Make your own church signs, or view some real ones. (8)
- Michael Heilemann is doing a great job with his new WordPress theme; Kubrick. (1)
- I’m late to the party, but Dan has a book out. (1)
- What a crazy concept for laying out housing estates. (3)
- In San Francisco, I live here. (Try the zoom feature.) (1)
- Spider-Man reviews crayons. [Via] (3)
- Some beautiful images from photographer Greg Downing. (2)
- Lots of links, from the Link Bunnies. (1)
- Nice “when I was a child” sort of post from Stuart. (1)
- How much does SafariSorter cost? (4)
- Some handy maintenance tips for Mac owners running Panther. (2)
- Alex King launches Use Tasks: a hosted service for Tasks and Tasks Pro™. (2)
- Min Jung, Anil Dash, and I get interviewed for HBO’s Real Sex. (10)
Blog-roll
A selection of blogs I read on a regular basis.
- Hmm, the blog-roll seems to be a little bit broken right now (it may be that the blo.gs service is having problems). I’ve sent myself an email about this problem, and will try to fix it ASAP.